Marriage Vows

I was married to my beautiful wife Emily on June fourth of this year.  Below are my vows to her:

 

As a man, it is my desire to love you.  As a Christian, it is also my charge to love you as Christ loves the church.  I promise to love you with all of my heart, mind, and soul for as long as I live.  I will make every effort to esteem you, appreciate you, listen and understand you, care for you, encourage you, and protect you.  I will do my best to make you laugh, surprise you with thoughtfulness, and to make your heart glad.  I will stand behind you in your moments of strength, to support and encourage, and I will stand before you in your moments of weakness, to protect and defend.  I will strive to be patient when resolving our frustrations.  I will strive to be gentle and kind in the way I treat you.  I will seek to celebrate your successes rather than envy them.  I will ask God to keep me humble when my pride seeks to come between us.  I will forgive you when you err, and I will apologize when I do the same.  I will do my best to take care of you, to give you the benefit of the doubt, to find joy in your joys, and pain in your pains.  I will never give you up or forsake you, no matter the cost or the obstacle.  I promise to seek God always, and I will give my utmost to be the husband He has called me to be for you.  I promise to love you as no one else ever has, and as no one else ever will.

By taking you as my wife, I recognize that God has loaned to me his work of art — you are an intricately crafted, precisely formed masterpiece.  God has entrusted me with a one-of-a-kind creation, and I will value you and treasure you for all the days of my life.

What I Think About Marriage

I figured I should write down some of my thoughts before I get married.  I’m guessing my perspective will change/mature, and it will be interesting to look back on this list someday.

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• I think that marriage is supposed to be forever.  I think that’s a blessing, not a curse.
• I think that marriage is supposed to teach us to be like Christ.  I think it will be difficult, and I think it will take a long time.
• I think that marriage is an opportunity to grow in numerous ways.  I think that there will be a lot of growing pains, but I think it’s important to remember that there is a purpose to the pain.
• I think that marriage is a beautiful thing, even in the midst of ugliness.
• I think that marriage can teach a man to be more gentle without eroding his strength.  I think that marriage can teach a woman to be more bold without compromising her innocence.
• I think marriage will show us that each of us is selfish and prideful, even if we fancy ourselves thoughtful or humble.  I think this is a surprise for most newlyweds.
• I think that marriage will be fulfilling in many ways.  I think it’s important to remember that marriage doesn’t fulfill all needs, however.  I also think it’s good to determine what those needs are.
• I think that marriage will have both high points and low points.  I think this is normal.
• I think that marriage will be fun.  I think it will be a fantastic way to go through life.
• I think that marriage will be hard.  I also think it will be worth it.

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These are just some thoughts that come to mind right now.  As my wedding day will arrive in 29 days, I’ll soon begin to experience marriage first-hand.  We’ll see what I’m right and wrong about, and what I haven’t thought about.  Which brings me to my last thought:

• I think marriage is meant to be an adventure.  Here we go!

Don’t Just Tolerate

As Christians, we are called to do more than just tolerate one another.  We are called to love.  We are called to love our enemies, love our neighbors, obviously our wives and kids, basically everyone God has put on this earth.  But we tend to make exceptions.  There are many people that we simply tolerate under the guise of love.  It could be because they are a family member, and so we feel compelled to include them.  But if asked, I bet they would say they don’t actually feel included.  It may be that we tolerate because we know we aren’t supposed to hate others.  But sometimes apathy stings worse than hatred.

Think about it: when you love someone, you go out of your way to show that love (gifts, spending time, words of encouragement, etc.).  You think about them, pray for them, call to see how they are doing, give them the benefit of the doubt.  You look past their faults, you embrace them for who they are rather than judging them for their faults.

Is there someone that you just tolerate rather than love?  Maybe it’s not just you as an individual, maybe your whole family or group of friends has treated someone this way.  Maybe you should be the one to be bold and start showing the kind of love that the Bible talks about.  The kind of love we like to receive.  The kind of love Christ has for us.

Don’t just tolerate; love.

Be a Man

Men are called to be a lot of things.  There are a lot of expectations on men.  That’s why, as a man, I was curious to read this Newsweek article on the decline of masculinity in our society.  There were a number of points in the article that I agreed with, but there were many others that I disagreed with.  It’s not that the author is completely off-base; I think that the author simply has an incomplete picture and has therefore missed the mark.  Essentially, the author of the article has attempted to solve a problem by addressing symptoms rather than the core issues.

So what are the core issues then?  Read this article by Jaeson Ma.  He does a great job outlining what he calls the “5 Pillars of Manhood”.  These are the core issues.  If men focused on these pillars, all of the other symptoms and side effects that the Newsweek article mentions would fade away.  Manliness has somehow been redefined in our society, but the basic nature of men hasn’t changed; it makes sense, then, to say that masculinity has been derailed rather than being in decline.

The biggest difference between these two articles is that Newsweek focuses on what men should do, while Jaeson focuses on who men should be.  The why is more important than the how.  If more men start adhering to the 5 pillars, our society will notice that men will once again have identities as men, and their levels of masculinity will reflect that.  And then they will naturally do what they are expected to do as men.

Feeling Small

It’s so easy for us to forget how small we are.  We have our plans, we have our routines.  We have our things that make us feel safe and in control.  It’s not always a conscious effort to pine for comfort or luxury, but it is so ingrained in our culture that it has become a subconscious drive.

Of course it is natural to want to provide for your family.  Of course it is natural to think about one’s needs.  But somewhere along the way, wants can become blurred with needs, and it becomes hard to tell the difference.  And maybe at some point you can provide for all of your needs AND wants, making you feel even more secure.  But there’s a danger in that, which is forgetting about God in the process.

It’s easy to cry out to God when things are going wrong.  It’s easy to pray and focus on Him when your loved one is sick.  Whenever we feel helpless, that is when we are most dependent on God.  It makes sense, then, that the opposite becomes true.  Whenever we feel in control, we are the least dependent on God.

It is so hard, but ultimately so much better, to constantly humble yourself before God.  To recognize that at any moment, things can change; at any moment, that feeling of control can be taken away.  This starts with pride and thinking highly of oneself.  Just as Jesus explains in the parable about being invited to a wedding feast (Luke 14:7-11), if you take for yourself a position of honor, you will be humiliated.  But if you take for yourself a humble place, you will be honored by the host.

Sometimes hardships come; that’s part of life.  Bad things happen to good people.  But wouldn’t it be easier to make an effort to stay closer to the baseline?  The more you build yourself up, the harder the crash will be.  By staying low and humble, a hardship won’t seem so bad.  I think this is why Solomon asks the Lord to give him neither poverty nor riches, but only his daily bread.  ”Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say ‘Who is the Lord?’” (Proverbs 30:7-9)

It’s been seen that “pride goeth before a fall”, and most people won’t dispute that statement.  But how many of us make a conscious effort to pine for humility and simplicity?  What if we reject our culture’s mantra that more luxury is the way to happiness?  Why not simplify our lives so that instead of focusing on everything else, there is little around to distract from a focus on God?

I don’t know what it is or will be that makes you feel small.  It could be financial difficulties, it could be family drama.  It could be co-workers or a natural disaster.  But rather than waiting to find out, why not think about what makes you feel big?  If you can identify what makes you feel like you are in control, what makes you trust in yourself more than God, then you can make an effort to dismantle that pride.  Because if you start tearing down that tower instead of continuing to build it up, the inevitable fall won’t be so bad, because you were already heading in that direction.  You can hike down a mountain or fall down it: one way is swift, unexpected, and painful; the other way is slow, intentional, and ironically, much less humiliating.

Rather than being “put in my place” as it were, I would much rather have Jesus invite me to a higher level.  I was not, am not, and never will be in control.  This isn’t about giving up something you’ve worked hard to earn; it’s about acknowledging that it was never yours in the first place.

I Wonder (Friend of Mine)

This is a song that I wrote the words and melody for.  My good friend Matt Shockley wrote the music and helped record it.  Check out the acoustic version below, and enjoy!

More and More Love

For those that haven’t heard yet, I have an announcement: I’m engaged!  I proposed to my beautiful girlfriend Emily last week, and she said yes.  We are excited to spend the rest of our lives together!

We are also excited about how we anticipate that our love for each other will grow.  We both subscribe to the notion that in a year from now, we will love each other even more than we do now.  That doesn’t mean that we don’t fully love each other right now; it means that we expect our capacity for love to grow.  As we love each other more and more each day, in 1, 5, 10, and 20 years we will be continually amazed at the fact that we will then love each other more than we could have imagined today.

While I think that an expanding capacity to love is part of the equation (and one that God facilitates), I think that we as humans can also get better at loving over time.  As with most skills or hobbies, greater understanding, greater attention to detail, and increased success are functions of time spent doing the thing. As is the case with love: the more we love, the better we get at it.  The more we love and receive love, the more we understand how to love, and thus our capacity to love expands.  But the key factor in this equation is actually God’s love.  If we are trying on our own to better our ability to love, then we will improve a bit, but then we will plateau.  And eventually there may be a downward slope.  But if God’s love is the model to follow, if God’s love is what drives us to continue loving, then not only will we not plateau, our ability and capacity to love will be ever increasing.  His love will fill us up and overflow into the way we love others.  And since God’s love is so much greater than ours, we will never reach a plateau with His love.  That’s why I know that Emily’s and my love for each other will continue to grow for the rest of our lives.  And that is definitely an exciting prospect!

By Our Love

There is an old hymn that says “They’ll know we are Christians by our love.”  Many of us simply take that as a lofty ideal, and as a test for us to know if we are being “good” Christians or not.  If someone can guess I’m a Christian without me directly telling them, then I’ll know I’m on the right track. But is it really just an ideal?  No!  It is a depiction of what will happen when the church is in tune with God and thereby living the way Christ called us to.  It is a statement of fact, that people will then be able to observe that those people must be Christians.

Okay, that makes sense, but how do we know that this is actually attainable?  Well, first off, that thinking puts the burden on ourselves, trying to figure out how we can work to achieve that.  And that is not what Christ teaches; we will only be able to achieve this through Him.  It will be a side-effect of fully giving, living, and loving sacrificially as we are called to do.

The example that shows us this principle in action comes from Acts chapter 11.  The people of the Church in Antioch were spreading the good news of Jesus, and “The Lord’s hand was with them, and a great number of people believed and turned to the Lord” (verse 21).  The disciples went to Antioch and continued teaching about Jesus.  And then in verse 26, it says “The disciples were called Christians first at Antioch.”  Wait, so before that, they weren’t called Christians?  Does that mean that people saw their lives and knew they were Christians by their love? Yes, I think that’s exactly what it means.  It was seen that the people and disciples in Antioch were living out the message of Jesus Christ, earning them the name of “Christian”.

When we see a young lad offer to help an old lady across the street, we immediately call him a Boy Scout.  When we see a man trimming the hedges, we immediately call him a gardener.  When we listen to a politician, we can immediately call her a  Democrat or Republican.  It should be the same with us – it should be easy for anyone to look at our lives or listen to our words and immediately call us Christians.

Until We Are Complete in Him

“Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”  - James 1:4 (NIV)

By and large, most of us are alright.  We’re pretty good overall.  But to be satisfied with that is to miss the point of what James is talking about.  Another translation says it this way, “Let your endurance be a finished product, so that you may be finished and complete, with never a defect”  (Moffat).  The differences are subtle, but I like thinking of it as endurance.  Perseverance has the connotation of putting mind over matter and pushing yourself to the end.  Endurance connotes being prepared to finish the task set before you.  Perseverance makes me feel like the coming burden is mine to bear, whereas endurance makes me feel like the burden has already been borne.  Hoping you will be able to persevere is much different than knowing you have the endurance required to finish.

So is the goal to be complete?  Perfection?  Is that actually attainable?  No, our own perseverance is not enough for us to reach full maturity.  It is important, however, to strive for perfection.  To train and build up our endurance so that when the trials come, we will be prepared.  We can’t be content with being “pretty good.”  If we become complacent, then the work will never be finished, and we will continue to be lacking, we will continue to have defects.  God knows those details and loves us enough to encourage us to let our “endurance be a finished product”, so that one day we will be mature and complete, as God intended for us to be.  God has given us gifts, and when we use them, it unleashes his beauty and glory.  We shouldn’t do things half-way, we shouldn’t give less than 100%, we shouldn’t be lazy.  ”Slovenliness is an insult to the Holy Ghost. There should be nothing slovenly, whether it be in the way we eat and drink, or in the way we worship God” (Oswald Chambers).

So how do we do that? Little by little.  Day by day.  We train and strive and seek and grow and persevere and build endurance so that when the trials come, we will be prepared.  The Olympic 100 meter sprint is not won with 10 quick seconds; it is won with years and years of training and fine-tuning.  As God shows us our defects, He does so to help us overcome them. He does so to build us up. He does so in order to finish His work in us, “so that [we] may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

Decide to Succeed

I believe that being successful starts with a conscious decision.  Yes, sometimes there are those that get lucky, and by no virtue of their own, become wealthy or famous (not that being wealthy and/or famous defines success, but that’s another topic entirely).  My point is, whatever you want to achieve, you will be successful if you decide that you are going to achieve it.  Obviously some follow-through is required on your part, but if you have decided to commit to achieving that goal, you won’t stop until you have.  In that case, obstacles are mere annoyances that require merely a little bit of creativity to get around.  They aren’t impassable, they are just unfortunate. But they won’t stop you for long if you have already decided that you are going to reach your goal, regardless of what it takes.

None of this complaining or whining about what skills you don’t have, or what talents someone else does have.  You’ve heard the phrase “Where there’s a will, there’s a way”?  That is a true statement. If you believe that, you will be successful.  This can apply to pretty much anything.  Example: The LRA Disarmament Act was signed into law because countless people didn’t give up.  Even though it was a long shot, there was a will to make a difference. And so they made a way.  Another example: Career.  If you want to reach a certain level in a company, or make a certain dollar figure each year, simply wishing for it won’t be enough.  But if you get it in your mind that you are going to reach that goal, you are going to plan out every detail and study whatever you need to until you make that happen.  Thomas Edison decided to invent a light bulb, so he started working on it.  After 10,000 tries, he succeeded.  But really, he had already succeeded when he started because he already decided he would.  It was just a matter of time before others recognized his success.  Yet another example: Relationships. If your attitude is “We’ll see if we can do it” then I already have my doubts.  But if you are saying “Ain’t no mountain high enough… to keep me from getting to you”, then I am confident in the success of your relationship.  What’s the difference?  Deciding that you want it to work.  Because once you’ve decided that, you will make it work.

To quote a saying I heard once, “the only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.”  So don’t wait around and wish for things to happen on their own; you will never be successful that way.  Get a goal in mind, and decide that you are going to attain it.  You’ll figure out the details along the way, but that is what success is all about.  Making the decision to be successful is paramount to actually being successful.